Frustrations

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While some states have started loosening restrictions surrounding businesses and recreation, we in the Bay Area will definitely be on lockdown until the end of May. We were also the first to have a shelter-in-place mandate, on March 17.

I’d be lying if I didn’t tell you that the strictures on everyday life are tiresome, that the economic consequences are grim, that it has been a very hard 7 weeks. But I understand that a few more weeks of personal sacrifice may put our city in a better place for a long-term recovery.

Apparently the Bay Area is an outlier in that sense; a recent poll showed 68% of Bay Area residents are more concerned shelter-in-place will end too soon, compared to 20% who worry it will last too long. National figures swing more the other way. And it’s been posited, by political science professor Eric Schickler, that this is because “Bay Area residents tend to trust scientists and health officials more than in many parts of the country, and so they were receptive to the clear message they received early on.”

This blog is apolitical by design – there are many other forums for that, and I have absolutely no interest in starting a partisan melée. But I suddenly realized that, in the current climate of this country, when you say that you trust scientist and health officials, you are making a political statement.

For those of you readers who don’t live in the States, trust me that Americans in aggregate are more about id than ego. But one would hope that some sort of reason would prevail – “people who have studied public health and epidemiology, and specialists in scientific fields know more that I do about…well, safety, health and epidemics.” Not the case.

It’s frustrating to be stuck in my apartment, unable to work or travel, worried about my livelihood and my future. But it’s also frustrating to know that while I’m willing to do what scientists and health officials think will be the best course of action for a sustainable recovery, many would rather follow a path that seems both easier and advantageous in the very short term.

I’m not sure where I’m going with this, just to say that I put a great deal of effort in trying to understand the perspective of others, and respect the fact that everyone chooses their own way in life. It’s just that these days, those personal choices have a much more acute and potentially fatal effect on others.

Compassion has been difficult for me this last week.

Do you find yourself getting caught up in disagreements during times of stress?

My task: guys. GUYS. Couldn’t do it again. When will I start writing before 6 pm? Sigh. However, I had wanted to be in touch with one of my old friends today, and at least that is (done!)

Old dog

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Today I did my first Instagram livestream – I interviewed the wonderful violinist Sandy Cameron and we talked about life and music both on and off the stage.

I’m not showing you this as any sort of promotional gambit (it already took place!) but more to show you what I’ve been working on outside the blog (which is, frankly, a lot.)

I’ve been on social media fo years, and while I’ve been mindful about keeping in touch with fans and friends and colleagues, I’ve not seriously spent time on my online presence until the pandemic. All that changed when I suddenly had nothing to do, and I needed to find ways to be creative, to keep me focused on possibility rather than loss.

So I’ve done what I’ve considered doing for a while, but never had the time to do: migrated all of my Facebook followers from my profile to a newly created Artist Page, mastered the basic elements of iMovie video editing software, learned how to use various platforms for graphic design, started 2 YouTube channels, and began an interview series on Instagram.

I can’t believe I just wrote all that because 2 months ago I could do NONE of those things.

I was in conservatory when cell phones started to come to common use (to give you a frame of reference of what was normal to me in my formative years!), and technology continues to grow in ways previously unimagined. I would not have called myself in any way tech savvy, and wouldn’t quite say that I am even now, but I’ve learned a hell of a lot since all of this started.

I surprised myself with my willingness to learn, to feel awkward and incompetent as I worked on new skills, to fail multiple times at something until it made sense and I got it right. These are not things I’ve had to contend with for a long time – I was within a busy but familiar comfort zone of work and travel, where by and large I knew how to do everything.

But continued learning is crucial to me, and to all of us – it’s the only way we can keep interacting with an ever changing world. We all adapt, adjust, find new paths. And it turns out that you CAN teach this old dog new tricks.

Have you mastered a skill or learned something out of your usual experience since quarantine?

My task: friends, I’ve failed again. It’s 8:30 and I’m just now blogging! But my second task for myself was to get some sunshine today, and I managed a run in the park this afternoon (done!)

Artlife

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I live a few blocks away from a cute shopping street with restaurants, coffee shops, and retail stores. On an afternoon 8 weeks ago, it would have been buzzing with people. Now most of the storefronts are shuttered. It’s a daily and tangible reminder of the times we find ourselves in.

It kind of depresses me, honestly, to see all of these establishments boarded over, and I’ve been avoiding walking down that street. But things have been a bit different these last few weeks.

Artwork has been appearing everywhere – unexpected, quirky, with a wry sense of humor. A coalition of artists has started to paint murals around the city and street artists have been creating these bright images everywhere.

Life without art is…well, not life, in my opinion. And these small gestures that bring art into our everyday lives are as important and sustaining as proper nutrition and exercise and sleep and all of that other good stuff. I’m tremendously grateful to these artists for continuing to react to and reflect the world through their works, and look forward to finding these small treasures daily.

Has artwork been appearing in your city?

My task today: carrying over from yesterday, I again wasn’t able to start this post before 6 pm. I will persevere! and try again tomorrow (not done …again!)

Silver lining

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In the worst of my major depressive episodes, I experienced severe anhedonia, the reduced motivation and ability to experience pleasure. Nothing felt good, or sounded good, or looked good, or tasted good, and so nothing seemed worth pursuing. Getting through my days of travel and work and social obligations – even just brushing my teeth – was a sheer effort of will.

I’ve been on a medication protocol for the last year or so that has led to substantial improvements, and the last tweak came in late January. By mid-February I was feeling more stabilized and “normal” – running felt good, coffee tasted good, my husband’s laughter sounded good.

Then Covid-19 happened.

Quarantine of course magnifies mental health struggles, and I know that as the lockdowns continue, mental health issues across the board are becoming a larger part of the conversation. I’m glad that this topic has entered the broader public discourse, and in that I’m finding a small silver lining.

People who had never experienced the kind of anxiety and depression that have accompanied our isolation all of a sudden find themselves understanding, from a deeply personal perspective, what it must be like to live with those conditions year-in, year-out as many of us have. The more people personally experience mental health issues, a more profound understanding, from a societal perspective, is possible.

I bring this ups because in the last few weeks I’ve felt the anhedonia return, like a familiar fog. And in the past I would be resigned to the discomfort of that feeling, and do whatever I could to keep present and engaged despite it. These days, however, when I describe it to my friends who haven’t experienced mental health issues the past, they now respond with their own feelings of listlessness and the diminishment of joy.

They are now coming from a place of experience and understanding, because they have lived these feelings. And so I feel heard and understood in a way that previously didn’t feel possible; my friends find in me a lifetime of experience and the assurance that there is a way to work through it, to come out the other side intact.

I’ll take any bit of positivity these days, and the thought that we can come out of this mess with increased compassion for each other is sustaining me.

Have you found yourself looking at mental illness in a different light since quarantine began?

My task today: to start my blog post before 6 pm. Didn’t quite make it, so I’m going to make it my task tomorrow as well (not done!)

Timeless

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Pre-quarantine, my Sundays were usually transit days, where I was flying back home from a gig that week. Sometimes I would have a matinee on Sunday, which means I would leave after the concert, on an evening flight. And other times, I would be flying out on Sunday morning because my last concert was on Saturday night.

Today I had idly gone over to the alarm on my phone (I really haven’t had to use my alarm these last 6 weeks) and saw the last one I had set. Yes that’s 3:30 am, so I could make a 6 am flight. My concert had ended at 10:15 the night before.

In the thick of my busiest times, this would just be another Sunday morning, underslept and cranky, dragging myself to the airport to get home. Often I would be leaving again on Tuesday morning for another set of concerts somewhere else.

Seven weeks into quarantine (and no work), I can both remember exactly how those 4 am lobby calls felt, yet at the same time feel like they are a distant memory. It’s remarkable that something can feel so close in time, yet so far away at the same time.

I can’t say I ever enjoyed those crack-of-dawn flights, or the incessant jet lag that accompanied by schedule, but seeing this alarm gave me a sense of vague nostalgia, and an odd sadness. So I find myself longing for something, yet also realizing the exhaustion it caused.

It has taken me a long time to be able to accept duality and the possibility that I can hold two opposing forces or feelings inside me. They need not be mutually exclusive; they can both co-exist, even if they aren’t at all in harmony.

It’s an idea I initially thought was confoundingly complex, but have realized is utterly simple. It doesn’t matter that things seem dialectically opposed to each other; if we can accept them both as part of us, they are simply…a part of us, nothing more, nothing less.

What complicated or opposing feelings do you experience?

My task today: spend some time with my brother and his family, who have returned to San Francisco from Florida, where they had been staying with my sister-in-law’s family (done!)

Tired

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There is good tired and bad tired. No, I’m not trying to assign false value to exhaustion! I just think it can feel very different, given its cause.

First, to bad tired: this is the fatigue that sets in when I feel depleted of energy and mental space, when I feel drained of spirit, when my limbs feel leaden and stiff. It’s often the result of forced or joyless activity, or tremendous emotional strain, or unwanted constraints. Quarantine would be the perfect example of a source of bad tired.

Then there is good tired. Good tired feels like a pleasant and welcome weight to the body, the warmth and expansion of muscles well-used, the peace of a mind that has been quietly focused on joyful activity for many hours.

Good tired follows a leisurely three-hour bike ride with close friends, on the beautiful trails of the Bay Area, which I am lucky enough to call home.

As much as I am tired of the awful situation in which the world and humankind now finds itself, I know how unbelievably fortunate I am to have this natural beauty surrounding me, to have these loving friends, to have the physical ability to spend an afternoon tooling around on my bike. I’ve been feeling despondent lately, but my fatigue this evening has been a tangible reminder that life goes on, and that joy is possible.

Has joy been harder to come by lately? Do you find it in different things than before?

My task: spend an evening away from my laptop. I’ve been here pretty constantly – blogging, writing, editing videos, working on graphic design – and I need a break. I’ve promised myself some reading tonight, and I’ll check back in tomorrow to let you know if this is (done!)

Alternatives

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We’re all adjusting to our new normal. I had a long talk with my agent this morning about what the near future might look like for me and other performers, and it’s gong to involve a lot of uncertainty, discomfort, false starts, and years until our industry recovers.

In the meantime, we’ve all gotta make it work for the present, and one organization facing this challenge is the Los Angeles Asian Pacific Film Festival. I have a friend who has presented there in the past, and it’s a festival I’ve always wanted to attend.

Of course, none of us can do so now, and the LAAPFF has gone virtual, so in a way my wish is coming true, although not in the way I thought it would. I’m looking forward to checking out this documentary about the Merrie Monarch hula festival in my native Hawaii, available this weekend.

In the best of times it’s impossible to have everything we want, even more so now. But there are alternatives, and I’m making it a mission to explore them, both for myself and in the world around me.

What alternatives are you encountering in our quarantined world, and are they helping you take a different view than you have before?

My task today: Finishing some live takes for a conducting video I’m putting together. I’m trying to keep engaged and creative, and this is one of my outlets (done! And I’ll let you know when I release it.)

6 months

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Today I learned that my August concerts have been cancelled. This was devastating to me, and I spent a lot of time by myself at the park.

Southeast view from my neighborhood park

I was looking forward to the possibility of working in August, hanging on to hope for the culmination of a project that has been in the works for months. Now it’s gone. Assuming that my first September concert is still a go (and that’s a big question) I will not have conducted for six months. I haven’t not conducted for this long since…I started conducting, when I was 17, decades ago.

I don’t know what this absence will feel like as the months pass (it’s already been 2), or what it will feel like when I finally work again. There’s a physical ease that I slip into when I’m conducting regularly, and to be in a situation in which I’m going months and months without being in that physical and psychological space is deeply upsetting.

We’re all going through adjustments of expectations, of dealing with the world around us in new and uncomfortable ways, of coping with the enormous changes that have occurred. And I remind myself of that daily. But as much as I intellectually appreciate the truth of everyone’s challenges, I can’t help but feel like I’ve had the wind knocked out of me again, and it’s hard not to be deeply upset and profoundly depressed.

What kind of reactions do you have to disappointment and things not going as planned?

My task: record a bunch of promotional spots for an upcoming special broadcast in Minneapolis which will include a virtual project I’ve been working on. Even as I cope with the depression of not performing, I’ve been trying to keep engaged with music and with the world. Not always easy to do, but (done!)

Past life

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As a conductor, my hands are the tools of my trade. And as much as players (and audiences) watch my waving baton, they are really looking at my hands.

Holographic!

Sparkly nails have been my thing for nearly a decade, and to have them performance-ready, I’m a regular at the nail salon. Some might call it vanity, but I’ve always seen it as a part of my work, and more to the point as part of my brand. I’ve not been without nail polish since…the early aughts, maybe?

Au naturel

For the last (nearly) 7 weeks I’ve watched my manicure fade and peel, my nails going back to their natural state. And to be honest, I don’t mind them like this, shorter, unadorned. They look fine to me, because my sparkly nails belong to a performer perched on a podium, under hot stage lights, and that’s just not me right now.

I don’t know when I’ll be that version of me again, and so it seems somehow fitting that for the moment I’m trying to make peace with this one, the version of me with trim, utilitarian nails, perched on a stool, peering at a screen for hours a day. My nails are fine. It’s the rest of me that’s really struggling today.

Have you noticed any small physical changes in yourself during lockdown?

My task today: first, you’ll be happy to know that I finally finished that email late last night! So I moved on to another task today, to wash Pinkerton, who smelled distinctly of pee. Now he smells like lavender conditioner (done!)

Breathe

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First of all, thanks for the comments (and the DMs on other social media)! After some thought I’ve concluded that a diary, by definition, is a daily record, and so I’ll keep doing my thing here daily. Well, until May 30. And then…I guess I’ll revisit that when the time comes.

These will no longer be blooming come May 30

So last night, as I have on a few other nights in the last few weeks, I woke up feeling like I’m choking, that I can’t get a good breath, that I’m drowning. When I rouse myself enough to move out of that half-conscious realm, I realize that I’m not choking, that my lungs easily fill with air, and that I’m on dry land.

As you can imagine, a state of dreamlike suffocation is unnerving.

Given that I don’t have sleep apnea, I can only assume that this is an outlet for my subconscious to process something – stress? Lack of control of my environment? Feeling trapped? Fear of the breathlessness that’s a symptom of Covid-19? Or maybe it’s something not so obvious?

Breath is the fundamental basis of our lives, yet we often pay it little heed. We assumes it happens without a thought, yet we are acutely aware of its absence. I’ve become more aware of mine these days, and in my waking moments sometimes catch myself holding my breath, too tense to let it move with instinctive ease.

So I try to bring my awareness to breath daily, to allow it to do what it does so naturally. And in those moments of night terror I quietly remind myself, it’s ok. Breathe. Breathe.

Have you experienced half-waking nightmares? How does anxiety visit you in sleep?

My task today: …is related to my task yesterday, which is still not done…so I’m carrying it over today. With days washing into each other with little delineation it’s a challenge to keep some level of schedule and accountability, and my daily task has been a crucial part of this attempt. I’m in the middle of answering that email, and hope that I can tell you tomorrow that it’s (done!)