Today I learned that my August concerts have been cancelled. This was devastating to me, and I spent a lot of time by myself at the park.
I was looking forward to the possibility of working in August, hanging on to hope for the culmination of a project that has been in the works for months. Now it’s gone. Assuming that my first September concert is still a go (and that’s a big question) I will not have conducted for six months. I haven’t not conducted for this long since…I started conducting, when I was 17, decades ago.
I don’t know what this absence will feel like as the months pass (it’s already been 2), or what it will feel like when I finally work again. There’s a physical ease that I slip into when I’m conducting regularly, and to be in a situation in which I’m going months and months without being in that physical and psychological space is deeply upsetting.
We’re all going through adjustments of expectations, of dealing with the world around us in new and uncomfortable ways, of coping with the enormous changes that have occurred. And I remind myself of that daily. But as much as I intellectually appreciate the truth of everyone’s challenges, I can’t help but feel like I’ve had the wind knocked out of me again, and it’s hard not to be deeply upset and profoundly depressed.
What kind of reactions do you have to disappointment and things not going as planned?
My task: record a bunch of promotional spots for an upcoming special broadcast in Minneapolis which will include a virtual project I’ve been working on. Even as I cope with the depression of not performing, I’ve been trying to keep engaged with music and with the world. Not always easy to do, but (done!)