First of all, thanks for the comments (and the DMs on other social media)! After some thought I’ve concluded that a diary, by definition, is a daily record, and so I’ll keep doing my thing here daily. Well, until May 30. And then…I guess I’ll revisit that when the time comes.
So last night, as I have on a few other nights in the last few weeks, I woke up feeling like I’m choking, that I can’t get a good breath, that I’m drowning. When I rouse myself enough to move out of that half-conscious realm, I realize that I’m not choking, that my lungs easily fill with air, and that I’m on dry land.
As you can imagine, a state of dreamlike suffocation is unnerving.
Given that I don’t have sleep apnea, I can only assume that this is an outlet for my subconscious to process something – stress? Lack of control of my environment? Feeling trapped? Fear of the breathlessness that’s a symptom of Covid-19? Or maybe it’s something not so obvious?
Breath is the fundamental basis of our lives, yet we often pay it little heed. We assumes it happens without a thought, yet we are acutely aware of its absence. I’ve become more aware of mine these days, and in my waking moments sometimes catch myself holding my breath, too tense to let it move with instinctive ease.
So I try to bring my awareness to breath daily, to allow it to do what it does so naturally. And in those moments of night terror I quietly remind myself, it’s ok. Breathe. Breathe.
Have you experienced half-waking nightmares? How does anxiety visit you in sleep?
My task today: …is related to my task yesterday, which is still not done…so I’m carrying it over today. With days washing into each other with little delineation it’s a challenge to keep some level of schedule and accountability, and my daily task has been a crucial part of this attempt. I’m in the middle of answering that email, and hope that I can tell you tomorrow that it’s (done!)