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3D printers have been in the news a lot recently.

(Source: KOLD Channel 13)

People all over the world have been using them to make “ear savers” for medical personnel and other essential workers. Wearing protective masks for prolonged spans of time can cause pain and injury to the ear, and these adjustable inventions ease the pressure and provide relief.

I was particularly struck by a story about two San Diego engineering students who used their newly acquired skills to create hundreds of ear savers.

When we are faced with adversity, there are two basic responses, a resistance-based reaction and a solution-based reaction. The first is “I can’t believe this is happening. I don’t want this, it’s awful and I’m really angry”; the second is “This is happening and I don’t like it, but what can I do to make any part of this better for me or others?”

I think it’s human nature to react with the former; it’s a fear response, one that touches on both fight and flight. It takes patience and practice and a willingness to allow introspection to be able to do the latter.

Those two college students could have chosen to be frustrated that their college experience was being ruined by the unforeseeable circumstances in which we find ourselves. Instead, they put their knowledge and access to a 3D printer to good use, to do their part in creating a solution.

When the pandemic hit and my life and livelihood were upended, I spent quite a few days in anger and fear, and it’s still a daily conversation in my mind how I’m going to choose to face the day. But this experience is allowing me to finally really understand and internalize Eldridge Cleaver’s oft-quoted words, “You either have to be part of the solution, or you’re going to be part of the problem.”

Given the current state of the world, what does it mean to be part of the solution? Part of the problem?

Task for the day: stop watching movies on my iPad in bed before I go to sleep. I’ve had 2 totally sleepless nights, which I can attribute to blue light exposure and some really non-relaxing films. I’ll let you know tomorrow whether I succeed!

Down, Pt. 2

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There is a fundamental difference between being depressed and having depression.

We become depressed in response to external stressors: the death of a loved one, the loss of a job, a life-changing injury, rejection, forced social isolation, any number of things that would create a negative headspace. Having depression, however, means that this negative headspace exists regardless of anything happening outside that space. It is a constant and seemingly immutable state resulting from the particular chemical makeup of the brain.

I have a friend who is one of those people who feel like any down mood can be relieved by support from your friends and some enjoyable activities. I have another friend who feels that one can move out of depressed moods by practicing gratitude and spending time in nature. Neither are entirely wrong, but it chafes me when they suggest pleasurable activity or wellness practices as a cure for my mental state.

The biology of clinical depression is complex. Having had it for most of my life, I know what it feels like to be caught in the bog of depression, my mind cloudy and askew because of misfiring neurons. I know what it feels like to soldier on in spite of it, when everything feels like a herculean effort, even on a beautiful day on a beach vacation sipping Mai Tais. I know that nothing – not meditation, not exercise, not wine, not music, not anything – can make it go away.

I also know, since I have finally come to a medication protocol that physiologically manages the worst of my symptoms, that I can live with freedom from the suffocating fog that was my depression. I know medication does not make the challenges of life go away, but I’m more equipped to cope with those when the playing field has been leveled – it is at that point that the meditation/exercise/music/nature can play their part.

And I know that even given that place of stability, those things that would stress out anyone – quarantine, financial issues, the health of aging parents, an uncertain future – will stress me out as well, and may tip the delicate balance I’ve achieved.

I’m not quite sure why I wanted to write about this today, but I felt the need to make the distinction between how we feel and how we’re wired, between feeling down and being down. There’s still a level of stigma attached to mental health, of the damaging oh-just-get-over-it/you’re-just-not-trying-enough variety. That really doesn’t help during a pandemic, or really, at any time.

So I want to say to everyone who struggles with mental health issues: I feel you. Completely. And to those who observe those of us who struggle: your compassion and understanding are crucial. We are truly trying the best we can.

Do you come from a background where mental health is freely discussed?

My task today: actually got completed late last night – finishing editing on a new video for my YouTube channel. Proof that even when I’m down I can get stuff done (done done!)

Down

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I’m feeling kind of despondent today, and I think I’m allowed. As our new normal drags on, the old normal seems a distant past, and the future is utterly unknown. And I’m just having one of those days when no amount of trying to live in the moment or release expectations of the future or any of that is going to help. And I’m OK with that, because sometimes we have to have despondent days.

Fortunately, I have friends and colleagues who keep in touch from over the distances, and when they know I’m having one of those days when I’m forcing a smile, they’ll send something along that they know will make me laugh, the more ridiculous the better.

This was the something that was sent to me today, and I laughed out loud, which felt good. Feel free to give it a try yourself:

What are some things that don’t merely amuse you, but really make you laugh? (For me it’s cows, and I don’t know why. I find them so odd and bony and funny. Just thinking about them makes me smile, for some reason.)

My task today: finish recording video for an upcoming virtual orchestra project. I’m excited to be a part of one that’s going to be a little genre-breaking (done!)

This

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My friend Lilly and I go on frequent (socially-distanced) walks, and one of our topics is “what do you miss in quarantine?” It might sound like a bit of self-torture, but I find it really helps to externalize those feelings of loss; I feel relieved when I release whatever it was that was causing me sadness.

When she asked me the question today, I pulled out my phone and showed her this.

That’s Stern Grove, in San Francisco, last year before one of the free shows that are part of their concert series. A cloudy Sunday our with some close friends and thousands of others, enjoying music.

My husband and I realized that we’ve become so accustomed to moving across the sidewalk when we encounter others that we’ve begun to avoid each other in our apartment. When we realized what was happening, we laughed about it, but there was a little pain that laugh. Life has changed.

One of the things I love most in the world is not just the music that sustains me, but sharing it with others, whether I’m onstage or in the audience. It’s a beautiful communal activity, and one that nourishes us. To not be able to gather to share music together – to not be able to gather in person at all – it’s counter to human nature. We want to connect.

So today, I’ll simply point to that photo and say, this, I’m missing this.

What do you miss most in our socially-distanced society?

My task today: finish recording something for a virtual orchestra project in the works. I’m not the most tech-savvy person on earth but I managed a direct input from a very fancy keyboard into my laptop with a complicated set of cables. Kind of proud of myself (done!)

Wisdom

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A magical creature

As any of you who follow me on social media may know, this beautiful creature is Pinkerton, my Papillon. I also believe him to be a creature of great wisdom, so I thought today I would share the Truths According to Pinkerton.

They are quite simple:

Sleep when you are tired, play when you have energy.

Eat when you are hungry, stop when you are full.

Approach each stranger as a potential friend, approach friends with unabashed joy.

Greet each day as the only day that exists.

Love with abandon.

Pinkerton doesn’t care that we’re in quarantine. He doesn’t care that I’ve been spending days in the same sweats. He doesn’t care if the world is uncertain, as long as Paul and I close by, secure in our love.

When I’m having my anxious days, I remind myself to look to my little companion for guidance. The honesty of his actions are illuminating.

Do you find wisdom in the natural world?

My task today: speaking of Pinkerton, I’ve meant to wash him for days and have been putting it off. Today is the day. Shampoo, conditoning and blow dry (done!)

Nourishment

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I’m the main breadwinner in my family, and have been for many years. My husband started his own business a few years back, and we’d just paid off the debt from startup costs when the pandemic hit, leaving me functionally unemployed. We had wisely left our rainy day fund intact, and it should get us through the fall; after that, unless I can work again, we’re going to be in some trouble.

We’re able to cover just the fundamentals – rent/utilities, insurance and basic groceries. It’s a level of frugality I haven’t experienced since my student years, when a Starbuck latté was a huge splurge. There are a lot of rice and beans on our menu these days, and I would be lying if I said that it wasn’t a struggle sometimes to wrap my mind around how life has changed.

I’ve addressed the concept of comparisons on this blog, and I stand by my basic thesis that they are unhelpful at best, and can increase suffering at their worst. We can’t compare ourselves to others because while all humans feel fear and pain, and we all experience it in a different way, regardless of situation. And whether we are better or worse off than others, feeling bad about our situation in comparison to them doesn’t help us, and it doesn’t help them.

Finally, as a Buddhist, I don’t subscribe to the Judeo-Christian notion of guilt and fear as a motivation for action. Rather, it is compassion.

In the best of times, 1 in 9 Americans experiences food insecurity, and given the exponential rise in unemployment over the last month, that number has increased as well. It is heartbreaking that so many in this country are not having their basic human needs met. And while I still have food on my table, doing without the things I had before gives me even greater compassion for those who endure deprivation, and that compassion is what drives my action.

If Paul and I find ourselves under budget for our groceries this month, I intend to use that amount to support the nourishment of others. Feeding America is the nation’s largest domestic hunger-relief organization and they have food banks across the country; I’ll be making my donation there. And I encourage you to support your local food bank, or any other reputable organizations that can provide support for those in need during these challenging times. As I’ve mentioned before, it’s the collection of small gestures that create big change.

How do you hold compassion for both yourself and for others? What can you do to help?

My task: to keep moving into a place of compassion. It’s hard to think about others when you are frightened for yourself. But that’s exactly when we need to direct our focus outward (it’s an ongoing process, so I can’t say it will ever be done!)

No try

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I had something unexpected come up today that I’m contractually unable to discuss, and it consumed most of my day. My brain is pretty exhausted right now, but my sense of duty has brought me back to my laptop, to face a blank glowing screen.

When I began this blogging experiment, I knew that I’d encounter days when time or lack of inspiration would hold me back, and writing would be the last thing I wanted to do. But I assured myself that when this happened, I would try to at least post something.

That’s what I was thinking earlier today – that I’d do my best to try to post after an intellectually exhausting day. Which reminded me of one of my favorite quotes:

Yes, I love my Star Wars and especially Yoda (and don’t get me started on Baby Yoda), and this quote has been a pop culture touchstones for many people for many years. But I think it’s because it speaks truth.

I find this to simplify my life immensely. It clearly delineates action and inaction. It eliminates the cop-out that is “trying”. It clarifies formerly ambiguous situations, and it’s immensely empowering in that it gives one dominion over one’s choices.

So today, I chose to DO, and to post regardless of the lateness of the hour and the slow staleness of my brain, and I’m glad that I did.

What have you chosen to DO lately, given the choice of doing or doing not? What does “trying” mean to you?

My task today: to express extra appreciation to my patient husband, who has done all of the household chores we had planned to do together today, before my unexpected interruption. AND he cooked dinner. He’s amazing, and I’ve told him so several times already, and will do so again. (done!)

Simmering

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A writing teacher in university told me something that has become something of a core belief – to “make sure your creative stew is always simmering”.

I literally always have something on the burner, and juggling a multitude of projects keeps my creativity alive. The sudden loss of concerts and residencies and those opportunities to create in my usual ways has led me to search for other venues, other outlets, and one I’ve always wanted to explore was YouTube.

So to keep things simmering, I’ve created a channel, Harmony in Balance. I’ve always wanted to share the ways in which I try to created balance in my busy life onstage and on the road, and to show how the many elements of wellness work together, in harmony.

Part of balance, for me, is finding ways in which to express myself, and fashion has been an outlet for most of my life. So I think it’s fitting that my first video is all about fashion in quarantine!

What are your creative outlets?

My task today: to finally post a video on which I’ve been working for a week! (done!!)

Speed

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I am not, by nature a patient person.

I’ve often wondered if my impatience might be a reflection of my inner tempo – my mind, even under the best of circumstances, operates at a momentum that verges on manic, and any external reality that doesn’t match my internal velocity is cause for immediate distress.

My meditation

It has taken me many many years, meditation, medication, and self discipline to be at a point in which I can settle myself into equanimity when I encounter the inevitable impediments of everyday life. Slow down, I remind myself. Don’t react with immediate frustration when something is taking longer that you think it should. It’s all a matter of perspective.

Being in quarantine, in many senses, has forced all of us to slow down. The simplest activities take longer; if your situation is anything like mine, you can’t just run over to the grocery store to grab a few items – a 5 minute errand has turned into a 20 minute wait in a socially distanced line to enter the store. Getting anywhere on public transportation requires more time because of diminished service on most routes. Everything moves at a different speed.

We’re all looking for silver linings as the world continues to hurtle into a new, unsettling normal. I have to override my tendency towards pessimism, but I look for them, every day.

And today, I found myself in a situation that would test the patience of a saint – I helped my supremely tech-unsavvy, septuagenarian mom set up her new iPad, via FaceTime, translating between English and Japanese. The fact that her eyesight is poor and she was trying to show me screens through her magnifying glass added to the challenge.

But nearly an hour later we completed the task together, and although it was an exercise in frustration at certain points, I realized that I was able to be calm enough to not respond to her with irritation. Instead, I was able to slow myself down to the pace that was comfortable to her, including the multiple repeated explanations. I was patient with her.

We learn things in unexpected ways.

Do you often find yourself impatient? And how does it manifest in the way you respond – frustration, disdain, anger, indifference?

My task today: put away a mound of folded laundry. For some reason, this is one of my least favorite tasks in the world. It makes me…impatient. It’s not done yet, but I’ll report back tomorrow!

Groundhog day

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Does everyone remember that film starring Bill Murray? Where he plays a weatherman, Phil Connors, caught is some sort of time loop where he keeps reliving the same day? It feels like we’re all living Phil’s life lately.

Having lived with various anxiety disorders throughout my life, I tend to find comfort in some sort of regularity in schedule. And like many other people I often enjoy the sameness of things – that dish you always order at your favorite restaurant, your go-to YouTube channel when you’re procrastinating, even the hand with which you usually open a door.

These days, however, that repetition and uniformity have left the realm of comfort and become stressors unto themselves. The patterns of our days tend to remain very similar, and with little variety in our surroundings (home, park, grocery store), the days tend to meld into each other.

My brain starts to get obsessive when things become rote – if I’m not expending any energy reacting to new stimulus, it starts to get a bit impatient and looks for something to latch onto. That often sends me hurtling into a black hole of gloomy news or a spinning preoccupation with an uncertain future. Neither is healthy or helpful.

To break up the monotony I’ve become more aware of my tendency towards routine and am making more effort to break out of them, even in the very smallest of ways. Things as seemingly insignificant as sitting on the other side of the couch, or taking my coffee black instead of with my customary almond milk, spark my brain in tiny ways. More concrete novelty like trying a new running route or taking an online course on an unfamiliar topic or cooking a new dish engages my mind and forces it out of auto pilot.

Humans need stimulus for mental and physical health, and I’ve become acutely aware of that in these last few weeks.

What do you do to move you out of monotony? Have days started to melt into each other since the beginning of your time in quarantine?

My task today: taking my own advice, I wanted to switch up my running route and take Pinkerton in the opposite direction of your usual walk (done!)

City dog