Extended families

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If the whole thing about six degrees of separation is true, I would say that in the musical sphere it’s more like three. Wherever I go or whoever I meet in the symphonic corner of the music industry, there is a commonality – a shared acquaintance, school, instrument maker, mentor – we all have something that directly connects us to each other. It’s a big extended family.

Some of my countless work friends

The more I travel, the more musicians and administrators and contractors and directors and producers and sound engineers I meet, and the larger that family extends. There are some cities in which I especially look forward to working because I have such wonderfully familial working relationships that I literally feel at home. Even if I see these musicians once or twice a year, we slip back into our comfortable rapport.

This is the longest time I’ve spent in one place, with no travel, in the last 15 years (at least). When people ask me if I miss the travel and the constant novelty of being on the road, I say yes, of course, but what I really miss is all of my work friends, my extended family, all around the world. I miss the connections and the wordless harmony. I miss joking with them, in a dozen different languages.

I’ve been particularly down today.

Do you have relationships that feel like having an extended family?

My task today: so update on my task yesterday (done!), and today I wanted to spend some time organizing one of my file cabinets (annoying but it would be so nice to have it be more usable!) but I just couldn’t get to it (not done!)

Everything

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I’ve always been a Type A kind of personality.

You know, the get-up-and-get-going-at-dawn type

So you can imagine that lockdown has been a particular challenge for me, and for everyone else who feels the need to be doing, going, making and moving all the time.

And now, given my unexpected lack of schedule – no deadlines! no external motivation! – I find myself somehow busier than ever, creating projects, following every idea I have, spending hours learning new skills, poring over every other artist’s social media feed and wondering if I’m doing enough.

When I was on the road for 70% of the year I felt constantly harried; it seemed that I barely had time to do anything but to get through the concert/flight/meeting/study session in front of me. Life felt like constant triage.

And the last week or two, I’ve started feeling the same, mid-quarantine.

I always tell myself that I can’t do everything (no-one can! I tell myself), but I suspect that deep down, I feel like I can. Or that I should be able to. And that’s not possible, of course.

I’ve been reading a lot about lessons learned when life suddenly needs to slow down, and it doesn’t seem to reflect my reality, and maybe that should be a reminder to me. Because that constantly harried feeling was…awful. And I don’t need to be making myself feel awful.

It’s Saturday and I’m tired, because I’ve been trying to do everything all week. It’s time to take a break.

Do you create activity for yourself constantly? Or are you able to find ways to slow down?

My task: take a step back. Don’t work on a project tonight. Turn off the computer. Have a glass of wine and curl up on the couch. I’ll report back tomorrow (not done!)

Terminal 1

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Here at Coronavirus Diaries I’ve been trying to showcase some of the ways in which our inventiveness and resilience as artists/musicians/performers has helped us remain creatively vital during the pandemic, and I came across one yesterday:

This is a shot from Terminal 1 at Stuttgart Airport, which mere months ago would have been a bustling mass of humanity trying to get from point A to point B. Now it is empty, save these two.

It was one of a series of 12 one-on-one concerts organized by flautist Stephanie Winker; audience members won their place from participating in a Facebook contest. The performances were 10 minutes long, and neither player nor listener was to say anything during the concert, and there would be no applause.

You can read a bit more about the experience from the link above – suffice it to say that it is unusual and surprising and intimate. I was touched by the notion that musician and audience were asked to look each other in the eyes before the performance. There’s a level of connection there, of intimacy, that could only happen in a format such as this.

As performers onstage, we rarely have the opportunity to be so close to our audiences. Our interaction is sending sound out into a room; the audiences interaction is to let us know that they enjoyed our performance by applauding. Take those barriers of convention away and we are stripped down to the basics; a person sharing an expression of themselves and another person receiving that expression in the most simple and direct way possible.

That’s why we create art, and perhaps it has taken us a pandemic to be reminded of this fundamental truth.

What truths has the lockdown and the interruption to our lives revealed to you?

My task: a Zoom meeting with the creative team behind a holiday program that I helm in Minneapolis. I imagined that the conversation would be difficult because we are making plans for shows that may not happen; we just can’t know. But it was good to see everyone’s face, and to at least talk about what holiday cheer we could create (done!)

Hypomania

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I haven’t been sleeping much lately. I find myself working on some graphic design, or reading another chapter, or answering messages on Facebook, or watching the next episode of something and all of a sudden it’s 3:30 am.

Pinkerton, however, has no problem sleeping

It’s another hour until I fall asleep, and I wake up at 8 am, the same time I’ve been getting up for weeks now. I’ve been sleeping less that 4 hours for several days, and I’m full of energy.

It’s a familiar buzzy feeling, where I get really, really involved in multiple projects at the same time, where I’m full of a lot of really interesting ideas that I need to write down before I forget, where I feel remarkably productive, where I’m mildly irritated at anything that gets in the way of my breathless constant activity.

While this might sound, well, pretty OK to some of you, I know where it’s leading me – to less sleep, more energy and more irritation, and the familiar frantic energy of hypomania that is the marker of bipolar II.

I know that I’m lucky that I have a proper diagnosis, an effective medication protocol and a self-care regimen supports it. But I’m also constantly mindful of those times when symptoms are peeking through regardless, and need to be addressed. What helps; acknowledging where my mood is trending, prioritizing sleep, asking my husband to keep an eye on my irritation level, tweaking meds if necessary.

Bipolar II doesn’t care if there’s a pandemic going on. Symptoms are still going to appear on their own mysterious schedule, and I still need to deal with them as I would if the world were not turned upside down. And it makes me ache for anyone else who finds themselves dealing with the reality that stress exacerbates mental health issues, and mental health issues exacerbate stress. We’re in a lose-lose proposition however you look at it.

When I write about these things, I want to be clear that it’s neither a cry for help nor a dive into despair. Rather, it’s helpful for me to be able to articulate what goes on in my mind (for myself) and I think it crucial that we all speak openly and honestly about our challenges, because that’s the best way to understand and be able to support one another (for society at large).

The necessary healing of the larger rifts in the world comes from the small efforts of the individuals who inhabit it. And my firm belief in that keeps me grounded, even in my hypomanic state.

Do you find it challenging to talk about the more complicated parts of yourself?

My task: to set into motion plans for several other projects I’m contemplating. I figure that while I have this unusual energy, I should put it to good use (done!)

Quiet Bowl

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So this happened today.

It’s one of my favorite venues – I’ve performed there on a half-dozen different shows – it is magical and wonderful and a defining part of summer in SoCal. I know festivals are being shuttered this summer and this was just an eventuality, but somehow when it’s a venue you know so well, it’s particularly devastating. Sorry, I don’t have much else to say today.

Except that after I uploaded this image I realized that the photo was taken at a July 4th concert in 2012. Which means the tiny little person on the podium…is me.

Have your summer plans been completely upended?

My task: go through some brainstorming lists today. I’ve been attending an online seminar about musicians and online businesses. I’ve moved my website over to a different platform and completely redesigned it. I’m setting up my new interface for my Neumann microphone. Your girl is in survival mode, my friends (done!)

“Normal”

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Yesterday, especially towards the late afternoon and into the evening, I didn’t feel “normal”.

Frankly, I don’t know what normal really means – it’s an entirely relative term. So I suppose I didn’t feel normal in respect to how I’ve been feeling the last few months…which means that my basis of comparison has become my mood in quarantine…which is a little unnerving.

It’s extraordinary what the mind can normalize. It’s probably a very primal coping mechanism; unless you can adjust to a new reality, there’s no way you can survive. And what seemed unthinkable at one point becomes ordinary at another.

I thought about the first week or so of lockdown, when my mind couldn’t wrap itself around what was happening, and my mind now, which contemplates the unfathomable changes that have happened as a matter of course. Does simple acceptance of a decidedly unexpected situation make it normal?

What does normal mean to you?

My task: So…the reason I was feeling so strange yesterday is that I forgot to take my afternoon meds. I hadn’t filled my weekly pill organizer on Sunday as I usually do, so I was kind of winging it yesterday, and in the busy-ness of the day I forgot. Lesson learned. This afternoon I filled my organizer (done!)

Adjusting

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We’re all constantly adjusting. And just when you think you’ve gotten used to something in these weird times you have to adjust again. Sigh.

One of the unfortunate adjustments musicians have had to make is to rely on “live” virtual performances. Look, friends, I love to hear music being created on the spot. I appreciate that we have the technology to allow us to perform “live”. But with compromised sound and glitchy images, it’s just not the same.

By the same token, using the technology available to create, mix and produce a music video is a totally different beast. The intent is not to attempt a simulation of live music, but rather to create a recording, which allows enhanced control over sound quality and visual impact than a livestream. It’s meant to stand on its own, a testament to these times.

I’m lucky to have been part of the production of one such video, from concept to completion, which has been under wraps for nearly 5 weeks. Do I wish I could have been in front of all of these musicians in a hall, together, doing our thing? Absolutely. But did I also relish rocking out on keyboards on a crossover orchestra video? Absolutely.

As musicians in post-Covid world we can’t do things the way we usually do, and may not be able to for a long time. So we, like everyone else, are adjusting. And sometimes those adjustments yield something wonderful. I hope you think so too:

Watch for Pinkerton!

What adjustment continues to be difficult for you during this pandemic?

My task: put some new ideas that have been rolling around in my head onto paper, and start enlisting the help and talent I need to put a new project together (done!)

Motherhood

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Mother’s Day always feels like a Hallmark holiday to me, although I don’t begrudge the opportunity for us to express gratitude to our mothers (although, frankly, we could be expressing it anytime).

A road not taken

Mother’s Day, the Covid-19 edition, probably looks very different to many people, especially to those who have multigenerational celebrations – no brunches out with mom and grandma. Mine, however, looked much as it has for decades, calling my mother, across the sea in Hawaii (no flowers this year – austerity measures are in place!) – and no celebration for me.

Quite a few of my friends who delayed parenthood for careers now have 6 and 7 year old kids, and they’ve been telling me of both the trials and tribulations of child-rearing in quarantine. I still can’t imagine how some of them manage to homeschool and get anything done, and because I can’t really be the usual Auntie Sarah lending a hand (babysitting via Zoom is not terribly practical) I feel very removed from their experience.

Sometimes I’m acutely aware of my childlessness, and these weeks in lockdown have given me more time for reflection than I usually have. And to be honest, it’s a really, really difficult topic to work through. The fact that I don’t have children is both a choice and not a choice (it’s complicated – I’ll cover this in a much longer post over on my other blog soon) and it still takes work to be at peace with this fact.

On one hand, I wouldn’t have been able to have the career I have, or to live in the city I live, had I had children. On the other, it still gut-punches me to think of what life would have been like with kids, although I realize that this doesn’t help me at all. It reminds me of the state of the world we all face right now; there’s nothing we can do with the situation at hand, and the best we can do is to keep moving forward given what we have. And so we do, and so I do.

I don’t have any neat way to tie up this thought, but it’s just one I wanted to share on this quarantined Mother’s Day.

Have you called your mother today?

My task: I’ve been working on a lot on online and virtual projects, but I want to start pivoting towards working on projects I’m producing for future performances. I need to keep the balance between dealing with the challenges at hand while anticipating the needs of the future. I think I’ve got a plan for the upcoming week (done!)

Old school

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Do you remember drive-in movies? They were a childhood staple for me – memories of my brother and I spilling popcorn in the back of my mom’s station wagon, the tinny sound from those little speakers, falling asleep on the ride home.

I guess everything old is new again at some point, but the drive-in experience was NOT one of those things I thought would make a comeback. This is a shot from a drive-in concert in Aarhus, Denmark, where singer-songwriter Mads Langer gave a live concert to a live crowd, socially distanced in their cars of course.

I love this for two reasons: first, the very inventiveness of artists in repurposing such an old-school platform, and second, the fact that people are so hungry for live music that they attended the concert in droves. It gives me hope for the future of music, and of humankind.

What inventiveness have you encountered lately?

My task: a bike ride with may brother and his family. My nephew, 7, has recently mastered bike riding and this was our first outing with him. Tooling around the paths in Golden Gate Park, life felt almost normal for a few hours (done!)

Reminders

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My mom, who has lived in Hawaii for nearly 50 years, was never a big beach person, and avoided them most of the time. And so it wasn’t terribly surprising that she’d never seen a rainbow over the ocean.

Until yesterday, that is. Since the pandemic, she’s found herself wanting to be outdoors in nature more (for both exercise and stimulation), and happened upon this:

Double rainbow!!

We never know what’s around the corner, or what surprises (be they dreadful or delightful) may be in our path. This double rainbow reminded me that we need to be open and accepting to both.

What unexpected moment of delight stays with you?

My task: I’ve totally given up on blogging before 6 pm. It’s mostly because I want to have no obligations in the evening, but I think that by putting that restriction on myself I’m actually more prone to procrastinate! That being said, my task today was to spend some (virtual) time with a girlfriend this evening to see if all was well in her world (done!)