Breaking point

I often find myself powering through things – everything from long runs when my legs feel like lead, to weeks when I’m working on 4 hours of sleep. I’m generally pretty good at being aware of my limits, but when I’m less than aware my body and mind will in no uncertain terms let me know that I need to stop – with persistent injuries and mental burnout, respectively.

Many of us have been powering through this pandemic. Frankly, it’s already broken me a few times; at some point in late May, after Pinkerton’s accident, I was on the precipice of not being able to cope at all, and again in late August I had a massive breakdown when I realized that concerts were mostly going to be canceled through the end of the year and life was absolutely, definitely never going to be the same again. I’ve made it through those low points with patience and compassion towards myself, and with the unwavering support of friends, family and particularly my husband.

He has had a LOT to power through. He was been my sounding board and cheerleader, a source of strength and consolation. He remained stoic in those first few months, slowly growing his nascent business in the midst of a pandemic as we saw my earnings plummet to zero. He powered us through Pink’s injury, financial pressure, the death of a client, my major depressive episodes, the implosion of my management company, our constant worry about elderly parents and the continuous blows to the industry that is my livelihood.

I knew that something was going to give at some point. I just didn’t think it would be the Super Bowl. I came home from a pre-game walk to find him sniffing, puffy-eyed. “The Super Bowl broke me,” he said ruefully.

A football game is fixed – the date, the exact time. It’s meant to be experienced simultaneously by everybody. It’s celebrated together, not just with family and friends, but with millions across the country. It’s a “this is happening now” kind of event, and for my husband it was a more metaphysical “this is happening now” epiphany that tumbled him into tears.

It’s hard to have the carefully constructed scaffolding that is holding us up, come crashing down. It’s hard to come to realizations of the changes in the world (some more permanent than one wants to admit), to the time we’ve lost, to the loved ones we’ve not seen. So many of us spend so much time and energy simply trying to be OK that we keep pushing that grief below the surface.

So. We talked, we laughed that it had taken him this long to have a little breakdown. We discussed the things we needed to do for each other moving forward. We agreed that things just fucking suck right now, but we’ve got each other’s back.

We’re just hoping to be able to make this for a huge gathering of friends next year:

11 thoughts on “Breaking point

  1. Wayne Zelenak says:

    Sarah, your narrative is filled with a maelstrom of emotions, where you and your family are being pushed to the limits of sanity, parroting a surreal nightmare, in a tsunami of tears. I understand these feelings, where the sleepless nights blend into a series of torture reminiscent of the Twilight Zone.

    Words alone cannot describe what you and your family are going through. In this condition, nothing matters except relief from the pain and misery. It’s like having your hand over a flame, with surging pain consuming all of your emotions at once.

    In my view, your only consolation is to concentrate on your unwavering support from friends and family, physical exercise, good healthy food, and relaxing with music, which soothes the mind, body, and soul. With each day, find something inspiring and new to read, reach out to friends on the phone and try to stay positive at all cost. When negative mental thoughts are burning through your brain, go for a long run through the park and concentrate on the ineffable beauty of nature.

    Keep distance from negative things like politics, social echo chambers, and whining friends. Learn to see the benefit of humor in your heart and home. Gratitude goes both ways, to mitigate the pain and suffering in these difficult times…


    Liked by 1 person

    1. chefdorch says:

      All good advice! It’s a challenge to keep away those negative influences, esp social media. I need to remain present, yet I don’t necessarily like spending time there.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. They will have to resist, until the new reality teaches us how to do and offer our work. I am not a musician, but it gives me so much pleasure that I sense that in the ordering principles of its manifestation, an expert like you can find the balance. A supportive hug.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Chère Sarah,
    I humbly think it is human to “Vivre ses émotions” as we say in French. It means that it is normal to let go out our emotions and live the moment. Otherwise we keep them inside and they could transform into different kind of problems (disease, fear,….).
    We’re all living this pandemic at different levels. We all try to cope with events the best that we can. It’s not always obvious. Both you and Paul are courageous people.
    May the future hold the best is yet to come.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. seskona1icloudcom says:

    I’ve lived with the same pain you’ve described for over 10+ years. For me the best way to manage it is literally via concentrating only on the second you’re in- meditation 🧘‍♀️ helps as well. Clearly my heart goes out to you- excruciating is oft times not even close to the pain one is in🥲 My heart goes out to you & prayers as well. You are are a gift to the World 🌎! Hey! Beethoven was deaf right?😁 keep your Art coming so we may marvel in you!🌹

    Liked by 1 person

  5. seskona1icloudcom says:

    You are a gift to the world! It’s mind over matter with pain/had exactly what you’ve described for 10+ – live in the moment & rejoice in your gifts🌹

    Liked by 1 person

      1. seskona1icloudcom says:

        Likewise! Stay strong! Always remember clocks only move forward…so must we! Press on toward the greater things & joys life holds…Pain? ‘This too shall pass…if we use our resolve to overcome it. Easy to say? Yes! Hard to do? Yes! Mind over matter…enjoy every second each day for who knows what joy filled surprises are only moments away! Kindest regards!


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